


If I'm To Die

by Absolute_nerd



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Unrequited Love, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22238086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Absolute_nerd/pseuds/Absolute_nerd
Summary: Sirius sings a song as though he's writing a note
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin
Kudos: 1





	If I'm To Die

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ 
> 
> This fic is based off If I'm To Die by Keaton Henson. All the lyrics are his and his alone. 
> 
> I strongly recommend listening to the song while listening. There will be an * where I recommend starting the music.
> 
> It's not perfect and I wrote it quickly, but I hope you like it.

Sirius had always loved singing. Sometimes playing his acoustic guitar was the only thing that distracted him from the sharp words of his mother, and replaced them with the sweet soothing chords. They were a complete one eighty turn from they harsh anger in his life. The guitar made him feel safe, much like a tall, curly haired, pale boy did.

He would sit in his room for hours on end during school breaks when he had to go home, and strum the guitar until his fingers hurt. It was all worth it.

Back at school, whenever he got stressed out, or when the heavy weight of the impending war got to him, he would curl up in the windows of their dorm room, looking out over the grounds and playing his music for long periods of time. Sometimes he sang, sometimes he didn't. But he always played. 

His favourite songs to play were always changing, always the songs he was learning were the most exciting ones. He played Queen, David Bowie, all sorts of things, usually depending on his mood.

Lately Sirius Black was playing his own music, his own melodies that he never wrote down but somehow remembered. They were sad, soft, lonely. They reflected how he felt. A seventeen year old facing losing everything. 

The war was always moving closer, and he was paralyzed.

Remus had gone.

They had all joined The Order, the marauders. And now Remus was on a mission. They could only use him, since he was a werewolf, and he had to infiltrate the camp. It was Remus, all alone. 

They had received a letter from Kingsley, which said the werewolves, the brutal, murderous ones had found out why Remus was there.

James had gone to classes because he couldn't stand just sitting around. Peter had too, and he was just silent since they all found out. Sirius was in the window sill again, playing his guitar, and singing. 

Sirius was singing as though he was writing a note. 

All by himself, left alone with his thoughts, and as stubborn as he was, he had decided that he was going to go after Remus. 

They had no idea whether or not the boy was still alive, Fenrir was a vengeful and hateful man. He was one to act harshly, and kill without hesitation. As far as they all knew, Remus was dead. But Sirius had to try. 

You see, Sirius Black was in love with one Remus Lupin. 

He always had been, even before he knew what love was. 

At first, he thought it had been feelings of friendship, but as the years went on, he was labelled a bachelor, not wanting to find a girlfriend. In reality, Sirius just couldn't take his mind off Remus. He couldn't stop looking at the way he bit his lip and furrowed his brow when studying. He couldn't stop thinking about the way the sweaters Remus wore made his hugs so perfect, and how his eyelashes brushed his cheeks whenever he blinked. 

** _*_ **

Sirius would endlessly think about how whenever it was winter, the tip of his nose, and his cheeks were always flushed. How Remus would bundle up because he was always cold. He always found himself watching Remus whenever he preformed charms in class because his long fingers wrapped around his wand in such an elegant manner, and Sirius couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have those fingers intertwined with his own.

So he resolved to find Remus. He knew the risks, and he was determined to try, even though he knew his hope was pointless. 

_"If I'm to die before I reach you,_

_just know I'm meant to love you until I did."_

He would love Remus for the rest of his life.

_"If I'm to slip beneath a train meant to take me_

_know that I believe that it was worth it_

_tell my friends goodbye_

_tell my almost ex-wife_

_that I loved her and left her too soon"_

Sirius could feel his eyes sting.

_"Oh I hope to be holding you soon_

_who knows what happens if I leave my room_

_oh I’m scared that you’ll know what to do..._

_if I’m to die before you"_

His throat tightened. 

_"If I’m to die before I hold you_

_know my arms were the worst off for it_

_if I’m set upon dried_

_from my room as I write_

_you won't be my last_

_thought before I quit_

_give my family love_

_I would watch from above_

_but I fear there is nothing but sleep"_

His family had always been been James, Remus, and Peter. Everything was so fragile now. 

_"Oh I hope to be seeing you soon_

_don’t know what's out there_

_more fear I assume_

_oh I’m scared that you’ll know what to do..._

_if I’m to die before you"_

The world out there was uncertain, and there was nothing to say Remus was alive, but Sirius had to try. He had to try, even if there was nothing but hurt waiting for him.

_"And if I'm to die before we spend a soft day_

_know my final thoughts will be of regret.'"_

His voice cracked and he could feel his chest ache. He wanted nothing more than to lay with his head in Remus' lap next to the Black Lake and laugh with him, see his smile.

_"If I'm to drown in the deep sea that parts us_

_I once lived and loved, don't forget."_

The tears finally fell from his eyes and glistened on his cheeks, but he continued. 

_"Give my paintings to Alice_

_tell my good friends_

_that I didn't dare earn their respect."_

Sirius had never felt good enough for the people around him. Especially not Remus, he had always been too good for him. 

_"_ _Oh I hope to be seeing you soon"_

He closed his eyes tightly. 

_I don’t know what happens if I leave my room_

_oh I’m scared that you’ll know what to do_

_If I'm to die before you,"_

The boy took one last shaky breath, his fingers moving across the strings one more time.

_"If I'm to die before you."_


End file.
